Choice vs Chance

Let's put all romantic sentiments aside for a quick moment… and believe me, there are very few people that would struggle with this more than yours truly. I have rose colored corneas - it's my blessing and my curse.

As I enter the phase in my life where societal expectations point towards finding a partner, I have a natural tendency to approach the subject as I would any project: Conduct some background research, construct a hypothesis, test with an experiment, analyze results, and draw conclusions on whether the hypothesis held true or not. I'm kidding. Well, kind of. I'm having some trouble formulating a testable hypothesis so if it leaves you more inclined to continue reading, just pretend I was kidding.

I've been struggling with this notion that love is an overpowering force that we don't choose to feel but rather, are compelled to blindly follow. I mean, I even have friends that have bought into this idea of a "meant-to-be", a "soulmate", someone that the forces of the universe are working to have us meet, fall in love with, and spend a life time with. It's a beautiful idea, really… but - if you ask me - it belongs compressed behind a 40 inch plasma display, between a catchy title and a lengthy list of credits. On this side of the screen, I've come to suspect that reality functions a bit differently. 

What if love is merely a choice? What if what makes a marriage work has less to do with love but, is instead more dependent on the commitment of the parties involved. Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, "it is not your love that sustains the marriage, but [...] the marriage that sustains your love". Could it be possible, that we can really live happily with almost anyone, provided they are equally committed?

I can't help but think back to my own culture. While the city of Addis Ababa has transformed itself to mimic the Western way of wedding (with the addition of half a ton of raw beef, a spice rack unsuited for the sensitive palette, and 8-10 times the guest list...), the traditional Ethiopian union is more a product of familial arrangements. The understanding is that marriage is a partnership based on respect and commonalities. Contrary to popular belief, many couples that were married in this way, do find happiness. There was a study conducted by California State University on 58 Indian-American married couples in the USA (28 of which were arranged marriages) that I read about on the Chicago Tribune last year. The study involved a series of questionnaires and concluded that there are no significant differences in the level of satisfaction experienced across the two groups. While the external validity of the study can certainly be challenged, it still begs the question: are we looking for the rare chance at romance when happiness is walking past us in its many forms?

If romance is not a prerequisite to a happy marriage, why all the hype?

I often talk to couples closest to me about how they decided to marry the partner that they married. An overwhelming number refer to factors that were out of their control; such as, timing, or pregnancy, or immigration papers. While this may speak more to the crowd of people I have around me than it does the institution of marriage itself, I can't help but notice that in waiting for romance, many people fall into marriages they never planned to end up in. So not only is romance overrated and more unlikely but, in waiting for it to happen, life's tides may take you into a different direction than you planned anyway!

My question is this: If our needs are really more basic than we understand them to be, why not just find a respectful and committed partner now? Why wait for romance to "happen" to us?